Men Can Be Real Idiots...

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.....case in point - I was dating this guy in L.A. a decade ago and he DUMPED me because I moved to a downtown address. By his estimation it would ruin his "career" (hang on, we'll get to his definition of a career in a bit), it was beneath him to be seen in "that kind" of neighborhood. Which led me to wonder who the hell he though would see him there if it was so far away from "his world". His world was West L.A. The north side of Sunset Blvd. in trendy, upscale Brentwood. The way L.A. real estate works, you HAVE to be on the west side and north of Wilshire Blvd. If you're north of Sunset that's even better. Whatever....I had rent control downtown and big apartment at a reasonable price. In the unravelling of it all he also added that it would cause un-due wear and tear on his car, he would have to consider extra wear on his tires, mileage, accelerated vehicle depreciation. He didn't drive a Ferrari.......in fact, he had a Chevy.

I was crushed, but not crushed enough not to make the move. He was idiot! A fact I proudly shouted at him a few times over. Why did I ever date an idiot like this? Aside from the Freudian - we all date our fathers. Idiot guy was a good time, we had shared entertainment interests. He talked a good game and in those days he could hold up his end of a conversation. In hindsight he was always condescending, slightly snobbish - something I attributed to his sheltered life more than a greater definition of his personality. He would say things like, "you're really disappointing. You're such a beautiful girl and your intelligent. I would have thought you would have made something of yourself by now." Snobbish........You never really know though.

So we parted ways and life went on, then after many more years I moved to Tennessee and I called him one day. Not for any interest in rekindling an old flame but more to see if he ever grew up. Times were tough in L.A. then and had been for 2 or 3 years so I had thought that maybe a more grounded, likable personality would emerge. It didn't. I had also hoped he had seen a hard time or two since last we parted. Funny how life will make people more likable. It didn't.

So now it's three years later and we've been having these occasional, sometimes frequent phone conversations. I actually rarely use a phone. My ringer is always off and I never answer unless I get a text first and know someone is calling. Idiot guys doesn't text, always calls from a blocked number, refuses to email, and God forbid I mention social networking like FaceBook. I actually ran a background check on him once thinking he might be married. He's far too irresponsible and self centered to have ever been married. But in his own mind he's got the potential to become more famous than Brad Pitt and George Clooney rolled into one and he can't risk communicating with technology because it could potentially hurt his potential career in the entertainment industry. Ahem.....career. He's 50. He's got no "potential" career in the entertainment industry. Like many in L.A. he's worked intermittently with intermittent bouts of unemployment that allowed him the opportunity to shop headshots, audition, do open mike nights, and pound the pavement.

I moved to L.A. the year I turned 30 with the idea of becoming an actress. It took me about a year to fully realize that there is an entire industry fueled by the entertainment industry that is selling the idea of fame to the thousands of hopefuls that pack up everything they own and shoot for the stars in Hollywood every year. The more money you're willing to spend, the more false hope they're willing to sell you - everything from headshots, photo shoots, acting classes, dance classes, film classes, wardrobe, hair, make up, publicity, etc.... It's a suckers game and it can be a dangerous one too. A year and I was out with no regrets but a whole new perspective. I became acquainted with so many people during those years though that lost all sight of time, all reason with regard to potential. Countless 50 year old men shopping 25 year old head shots, still living in tiny apartment with multi-roommates, pouring every spare penny into fueling this machine that sucked them in decades before. All of them looking for a cheerleader, a woman to "$upport" them, $upport their dreams. Needless to say, I didn't date much during those years. In fact, I hardly dated anyone else at all. Coming from the South and the Midwest, I grew up on the idea that couples worked hard together for common goals so this new breed of man was foreign to me.

So the past three years I've had these frequent phone calls to and from idiot guy. With even more perspective, he's an even bigger idiot now. He has a standard list of questions, "What do you look like now? Are you fat? You should grow your hair out. You were a really good lookin' gal but you hair was always jacked up and you don't know how to dress. You should let me be your stylist. How much money are you making these days. (*I'm road tripping these days selling jewelry we make to stores), Are you staying in nice hotels? So you're out all day and the room is there just paid for? I could come and see you." Lucky me!? What's truly sad though - so many more are idiots too. I haven't seen him since we parted ways but he's been unemployed for three years and incredibly excited about the time he has had to work out 3 to 4 hours every day. "I am just sooo good lookin'! I mean, I'm ripped. I tell people I'm 35 because they would never believe how old I really am...............so what do you look like now? Have you let yourself go?" In my mind I'm thinking, "what difference could it possibly make - you're never gettin' any again".

He's been disowned and disinherited by his family who, by all accounts, is as screwed up as he is. What are the odds? And he's attached himself to a needy older neighbor that he hopes will leave him a pile of money - "so he can buy at least a house." Really, he's always been hoping for a small apartment complex that would sustain him. He "borrows" prescriptions for Valium and Zanax. I'm disappointing though. WOW?

I've tried, God knows I've tried, to pound some reason into him. "Do you think I should nail this deal down with my neighbor before he goes (dies)? Do you think I should offer to drive him to his lawyers office so he can get me in his will?"..............I want to explode....long pause...deep breath....and then I go into my most congenial version of "you're a fucking idiot" I can muster. I should have just exploded. He hung up on me and didn't speak for weeks. So I sent it in an email. He finally called me back a few weeks later with "I'm right but I respect the fact that because you're inferior you just don't understand how exceptional people like us do things"......okay that's not a direct quote but the sentiment is identical.

The thing is, I don't have an emotional connection with idiot guy anymore - haven't had in years. I'm just secretly hoping that he will really land on his ass one day and I'll get a ring side seat to see it happen. Three years of these ridiculous phone calls and I'm throwing in the towel. Hopefully his wealthy 90 year old, cancer ridden neighbor will wise up. But I know that even he has tried to reason with him. He tells him to get a job and he calls me and explodes. Getting a job would prohibit him from accompanying his neighbor to doctors appointments, pretending to be his attentive grandson, ultimately building his case with scores of potential witnesses he can call upon when he sues the estate. You think I'm exaggerating? He spent two years suing his own mother for her money after his dad died. He lost in court. Thus the disownment, and disinheritance from his own family that has led to this desperation. Any amount of money wouldn't be enough though.

But this guy's not the only one that I've been blessed with the past few years. Me and all my friends have been going on, becoming, and surpassing 40 these past few years and everything my mother ever told me about 40 year old men is proving her right. It's a mid-life crisis epidemic, I'm convinced. Friends - childhood friends. We kicked soccer balls around, went tick-or-treating, cruised Main Street, went to concerts, toilet papered houses and shoe polished cars together friends that I've reconnected with via social networking, reunions, etc... None of these guys are guys that I ever dated, some of them I barely knew, but damn if I don't get the freakiest of emails, texts, and phone calls. Not anymore on the phone calls - this is why my phone is permanently off. Most of them are far too graphic to repeat, but here's a really mild example:

"If I grew up, you would not hear me say that I want to lay you down, kiss you from your head to your toe, linger with your nipples and your lips, make sweet long passionate love to you then watch you leave me for another of your adventures."

This guy is MARRIED.......and has been MARRIED to the same woman for the last 20 years. They have children. They have a life. They have problems. Which pretty much describes all of them with the exception of a few who are actually in some phase of recent divorce. Having been a bookkeeper the past few years during this crazy economic high and devastating recession, I'm inclined to think alot of this discontent is more economic than anything else. Life is FUN when you have money. When you don't, not so much. Believe me, I get that! I live that! But quitting when times are tough only makes you a loser. No woman wants a man that quits when the going gets hard. Not even me - with my apparently "low standards I set for myself". (*okay, that part is a quote from Idiot Guy)

Dear Men, Dear Married Men, Dear Straight Men, Dear Single Men, Dear All Men: We girls don't sit around all day and fantasize about devouring a giant fudgesicle of your penis with our mouths, we don't share a joke with you on FaceBook secretly hoping to hear in detail what sexual favors you imagine we are performing on you. We don't want to hear how victimized you are because your wife no longer desires you sexually, or just doesn't want to give you oral sex, or won't take it in the ass just because, or anything else even remotely sexual about you - ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE MARRIED!! And if you're really single, if you don't have a job, a direction, a purpose, a sense of responsibility, aren't entirely trustworthy and kind - we don't want you. We wouldn't expect you to accept less of us.

Then the flip side of all of this is the emails, messages, etc... I occasionally get, "don't comment on my FB page. My wife thinks we're having an affair". If you're wife thinks that then you probably led her to think that. I guarantee you - I DIDN'T!! And if you think i'm kidding.......I got a text one day from a man I know from business. I know he's married. I met him and his wife years ago and have had occasional dealings with them over the course of a decade - to say that they are filthy stinking rich is an understatement. They live in some of the most expensive real estate in the country. So I get this random text one day, "I'll fly you to a (*destination date)". Me: "Where's (*wife)?"......"She's out of town". Me: "Not interested."........or the messages from the women in their lives angry that I'm after their husband. "Lady, he weighs 300 pounds. He's been unemployed for months or years. Your house in foreclousure, your bankrupt, if you divorce he's going to be up to his neck in bad debt, bad credit, child support, and maybe even alimony. You don't even want him. Me? Seriously???"

And all of this takes me back to my childhood and my reasoning of my mother being upset at the other woman. The other woman didn't stand before family and a representative of God, with her hand on the Bible, and promise you faithfully to be yours and only yours. Your spouse did that. Sometimes anger is misdirected.

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